Remembering Grandpa

          On Thursday, December 18^th, 2014, at 7 o’ clock in the morning, my grandfather, Frank James Brown, passed away at the age of 93. He suffered with Alzheimer’s for many years and eventually lost the use of his legs, but his health was otherwise very good near the end of his life. However, several weeks ago his body began to fail him, and after spending several days in hospice care, he passed peacefully into eternity. I knew he was in hospice care and so was close to his final breath, but when I heard my mother’s message in the afternoon of the 18^th, telling me that Grandpa’s struggle had finally come to an end, I immediately began to cry. Brian had been filling the gas tank of the car, but when he got back into the car and saw my face, he knew what had happened, and he held me.

My husband, Brian, and me on our way to the Point Defiance Zoo with Grandpa and Grandma in 2011

            I have hope that I will see my grandpa again in Heaven, but, until then, I will miss him greatly. He was a kind, giving man who loved nothing more than to help others and to spend time with people, sharing his life’s stories; asking them his favorite trivia questions (“Who won the battle of the Little Big Horn?”); driving the 5-mile-drive through Point Defiance Park; spending time at Beth and Don’s Ruston Market and Deli, enjoying the company of those around him while munching on his requisite Snickers Bar; dining at Harbor Lights, his favorite restaurant along the Tacoma waterfront, chatting with dear friends and new acquaintances while enjoying his favorite meal of steamed clams (a liking I inherited from him).

 

            Taking walks along the waterfront was a daily ritual for my grandparents, one my siblings and I always joined them in whenever we came to visit. Grandpa’s favorite part of those outings was to walk out onto one of the docks and try to pitch pennies onto the wooden pylons lining the shore. Pitching pennies with Grandpa is one my dearest memories.

Grandpa and Grandma walking along the waterfront in 2007

My sister, Grace, walking the waterfront with Grandpa and Grandma in 2008

My brother, Daniel, chatting with Grandpa on the dock in 2009

My brother, Jordan, walking the waterfront with Grandpa in 2009

Walking the waterfront with Grandpa and Grandma in 2010

On the dock with Grandpa and Grandma in 2011

Brian taking his first stroll along the waterfront in 2011

Grandpa pitching pennies in 2009

Grandma pitching pennies in 2011

Grace pitching pennies in 2008

Daniel pitching pennies in 2009

Jordan pitching pennies in 2009

Me, pitching pennies in 2008

Pitching pennies in 2011

Brian joining in the tradition in 2011

            Growing up, Grandpa gave my siblings and me silver dollars almost every time we saw him and
 Grandma—I still have several of them. They are a dear reminder to me of the fact that he was thinking of us, even when we weren’t with him.

            Many years ago, my grandparents bought a cabin in Randle, WA when their children were young, situated in a quaint, forest neighborhood along the banks of the Cispus River. One of Grandpa’s favorite memories was the time he spent at the cabin, which is why he enjoyed the 5-mile-drive through Point Defiance Park so much, as the deeply wooded park reminded him of the years he spent at the cabin with his family. Eventually, my grandparents had to sell the cabin, but by this time my parents had met, and my dad’s parents agreed to purchase the cabin from them. As a result, my siblings and I also grew up enjoying the many adventures to be had at the cabin. In 2009, my brothers and I drove to the cabin with Grandpa and Grandma; it was the first time we had ever been there with them. It was a wonderful time, reliving the memories with Grandpa as he strolled the grounds and took in the sights he knew so well.
   

Grandpa and I enjoying the swing he put up many years ago at the cabin

Lounging by the Cispus River

Looking down from the attic above the garage

            Growing up, when visiting Grandpa and Grandma at their home in Tacoma, we would often play croquet in their backyard. One of my fondest memories of Grandpa is how he would jokingly put a curse on the other players’ balls, waving the end of his croquet mallet at their ball in a theatrical manner while mumbling a few made-up words, in an attempt to foul up their plays.

            Grandpa loved hot chocolate with whipped cream at Denny’s—especially the whipped cream—another preference I inherited from him. Whenever I visit a diner and order a hot chocolate, I always think of him as I lick the whipped cream off the top.

            I also affectionately recall how he taught me to blow at red street lights as we were approaching them in the car, in an effort to turn them green.

       
            One of Grandpa’s favorite expressions was, “We’re off like a shot, haulin’ freight!”

Grandpa would proudly share his limited Spanish vocabulary with others, counting to ten or introducing himself as Francisco José Café.

            Grandpa loved John Wayne and Bonanza—a love of Westerns he passed on to my mom, who passed that love onto my siblings and me.  

            Even more personally, at the time when my mother was pregnant with me, before they knew if I was a boy or a girl, my sister, Grace, told Grandpa that she badly wanted a little sister, that having two brothers already was more than enough. Grandpa said something to the effect of, “Alright, Grace, then we will pray to God and order a girl.” Grandma told him not to do this, saying that Grace would never forgive him if I turned out to be a boy, but he responded without a hitch, “Corinne, we ordered a girl, and a girl it’s going to be.” And, sure enough, I was!

            Grandpa loved to say that he named me after Eleanor Roosevelt. Though this was not the actual reason for my being named Eleanor, I never refuted him when he shared the story of how he named me—rather, I would often ask him, “Remember how you named me, Grandpa?” It was a special connection we shared that I will always cherish.

            I will also never forget his hands—his strong hands that never lost their strength, even into his 90s—hands that were a testament to his younger days when he milked eighteen head o’ cow for Ol’ Dad Fleming every day, as well as to his service to our country in WWII and Korea.

       
            My grandpa served in the U.S. Navy as a radioman. The last destroyer he served on during WWII was the U.S.S. Twiggs (DD-591). During his time aboard ship, Grandpa helped to administer blood (or plasma) to the wounded. On one occasion, however, the blood he was administering to a friend ran out, with none to replace it, and he helplessly watched as his shipmate and friend died in front of him. From that time forward, Grandpa vowed he would donate blood for the rest of his life—and he did, long into his senior years, until the blood bank told him he had to stop. If I remember correctly, in his lifetime my grandfather donated 22 gallons of blood.

            Near the end of WWII, my grandfather’s ship joined in the Battle for Okinawa, performing antisubmarine and antiaircraft patrols, as well as offering covering fire for land forces. On June 16^th, 1945, the Twiggs was attacked by a Japanese kamikaze, first with a torpedo to her port side, exploding her number two magazine, and lastly by the plane itself. Grandpa’s ship was enveloped in flames and sunk within an hour. 152 men were killed, 188 were rescued from the oily waters of the Pacific, my grandfather among them. However, before entering the water, Grandpa stayed aboard the Twiggs, despite the danger of exploding ammunition all around him, to throw those who were unable to leave the ship on their own overboard. He did not leave until all the wounded men had been rescued. The Twiggs exploded just a few minutes after he abandoned ship. For his selfless actions, my grandfather received the Silver Star.

Grandpa receiving the Silver Star, with his mom and two of his sisters looking on

       
            Throughout our childhood and into our adulthood, Grandpa shared the stories of his military service often with my siblings and me. His legacy of service and his love for our country played a significant role in my three older siblings joining the military, and I am proud to be a military wife, largely because of the example my grandfather set. I will never forget the stories he shared and the way he looked as he shared them—I will always be very proud of Grandpa for the service he gave to our country and to the men whose lives he saved.        

           

            It was during his time of service, between WWII and Korea, that he met his wife, my grandmother. Though ten years his junior, her maturity and beauty caught his attention almost at once—as he saw her walking down the street through a diner window—and that was it for him. As much as I respect my grandpa for his military service, what I respect him for the most was his unwavering devotion to and love for my grandmother, and hers for him. My mom shared with me recently about a time when she was a little girl, when Grandpa told her that he loved her and her siblings, but that he loved their mother more. Rather than feeling hurt or disappointed by this, my mother felt happy and secure that he loved Grandma more than he loved them. My grandparents’ 65^th wedding anniversary, which they celebrated less than a month before he passed away, was a testament to their love for one another. My mom witnessed the physical manifestation of Grandpa’s words to her throughout her childhood and into her adulthood, and I witnessed them in mine.

            The Alzheimer’s Grandpa suffered with stole much of his memory, especially in the past few years, but one thing he never forgot was my grandmother or his love for her. Grandpa’s eventual inability to walk or support his weight on his legs ultimately required him to move to a home-set nursing home near the end of his life, after years of devoted service to him by my grandmother. Thankfully, being near their home, Grandma was able to visit him on a weekly basis throughout the few years he lived there. 

The photo by Grandpa's bed

            On the wall by his bed, there was a photo of Grandma and him. During a visit to see him, one of the nurses shared with me of how, one evening, after settling my grandpa into bed, she went to give him a “goodnight” peck on the cheek. As she leaned down, however, he immediately said, “No, no! I can’t do that!” and pointed up at the picture of Grandma on his wall. The nurse thought this was so sweet of Grandpa, as did I, though it was something I was not at all surprised to hear. Grandpa’s love for Grandma and his faithfulness to her were such a deep part of his being, not even Alzheimer’s could snatch them away. This is the legacy from him I cherish the most and wish to emulate more than anything else.

            Grandpa, it is hard to think I will never see you, speak to you, or spend time with you again this side of Heaven, but I have hope I will see you again someday, and I rejoice to imagine the day when we will be together again with our Savior! When that time comes, I can’t wait to drink hot chocolate and lick the whipped cream off the top with you; to playfully jinx one another’s croquet balls; to walk along the shore and pitch pennies; to just sit and talk with you, listening once more to your stories that I love so much. I love them because I love you, and they were a part of who you were—they were your life, your story, your legacy to us. More than the stories of your past, however, the time I knew you, spent time with you, and witnessed your interactions with others, especially Grandma, was your greatest legacy to me, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I miss you, Grandpa, and I will always love you.

            With love and joy,

                        Your granddaughter Eleanor  

  

A Running Metaphor

Last February of this year, I began running on a regular basis for the first time in my life. Spurred on by my ever-supportive husband, I decided to try and make running a weekly habit, rather than the sporadic, every-once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence that running had been for me in the past. It has been a growing, rewarding, if challenging, experience. But then, if it were not challenging, I doubt there would be much growth or reward involved.

One of the challenges I have encountered, which all walkers, joggers, and runners face, and dread, is the sun. In those devoid-of-shade moments, my heavy breathing is made heavier by the weight of the sun's rays beating down upon by head. The comforting cool of the shade that was once mine is snatched away; at least, until I encounter the next shaded oasis that lies somewhere ahead of me, for however brief a time.

During one of these uncomfortable, shadeless moments, an encouraging thought--a running metaphor--came into my head. I began to consider that, as much as I disliked the sun in that instance, God is likened to the sun in the Bible, as in Psalm 84:11: "For the LORD God is a sun and shield."

It dawned on me as I ran that, while I am far less fond of the sunny portions of my runs than of the shaded portions, both are created by God, and both are representative of His presence in my life. Each pocket of shade through which I run, before and after encountering the sun's rays, is a shield that serves to prepare and strengthen me for those stretches of full exposure when my endurance is put to the test. In the same way, God is my shield--not always from, but certainly always through--the sun-scorched trials of my life.

There have been many times when God has protected me from trials that I might have faced were it not for His grace in my life, but there have also been many times when God has allowed the heat of life to beat down upon me. But I am not alone in those moments. God walks with me, even for me, when I am no longer able to stand, along those painful paths of life. And He allows those moments for my good.

Yes, as painful as they may be, they are for my good. Just as those heated moments of my runs draw me closer to God as I look to Him to sustain me through them, so the heated moments of my life serve to grow my faith and dependence on the Lord, and, consequently, my strength to endure those trials when they come. The sun's rays, the pain of life, though unpleasant and never looked for, are used by God to grow me in a way that those comfortable, shaded portions of my life--and of my runs--inevitably fall short of.

Another part of this running metaphor that ran through my mind was that, as I am running through the heat, it is largely the thought that another stretch of shade lies somewhere before me that gives me added endurance to keep moving forward, even as my strength is being put to the test. That "hope of the shade to come" is also representative of the fact that I am ultimately sustained through the scorched deserts of life by the eternal hope in Christ that lies before me.

No matter what difficulties I must endure, no matter for how long, eternity with my God awaits me, when I shall "shuffle off this mortal coil." That hope, firm and secure--not because of anything good I have done or may do, but because of the blood of Christ that washes away my sin--keeps me running, walking, even crawling at times, through this life, but ever forward. For I know that something far better is waiting for me, that "[my] light and momentary troubles are achieving for [me] an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17, NIV).

Thus, on that one run, God graciously brought to my mind this running metaphor, to help me see my runs in a new and better light. I have come to the conclusion that while I may not like the heat of the sun and would much rather bask in the shade--during my runs as well as throughout my time on this earth--both are God's grace to me, for He is both my sun and my shield.   

Satan left her...

            A few months ago, while reading through the book of Job, an aspect of Satan’s attack on Job jumped out at me that I had not considered before: In Satan’s efforts to entice Job to forsake his righteousness and to curse God, Satan removed Job’s immense wealth, abundant possessions, precious children, and even his health…but, Satan left his wife.

Satan stripped Job of all those other portions of his life because they were great blessings to him, the deprivation of which Satan was sure would cause Job to drop his (supposed) mask of righteousness and rail against the Lord. Why, then, did Satan not also remove Job’s wife? The possible answer to this question, as a wife myself, made me tremble. I don’t think it was merely because she herself was not a blessing to Job. I believe Satan did not remove Job’s wife because he knew that her presence in Job’s life, rather than her absence, was more likely to entice Job to curse God in his suffering than to encourage him to remain steadfast in the Lord. Ouch.       

I went on to ask myself, why was this so? In my study of the brief portion of Job chapter 2 where the wife appears, I came to the conclusion that it was the condition of the wife’s heart that made her a ready tool for Satan to use against Job. Satan’s devastating treatment of Job was all in an effort to prove that Job’s righteous living was merely a shallow, natural response to the abundant wealth and prosperity God had blessed him with, rather than an outward reflection of a heart truly devoted to the Lord. Satan’s ultimate goal was to hear Job curse God to His face, and thus, to prove Job’s righteousness a sham (Job 1:11; 2:5). After Satan afflicts Job with horrific sores over his entire body, Job’s wife says to him, “Do you still hold fast your blameless uprightness? Renounce God and die!” (Job 2:9, AMP). In the NASB, her words are translated, “Curse God and die!” That sounds a lot like what Satan wanted Job to do, doesn’t it?

The Bible does not give any indication of what the wife was like before Satan afflicts them—she may have appeared to walk uprightly as Job was doing, or, at least, she may have supported Job’s righteous living. However, her words in that one verse expose the true nature of her heart. Though we do not know what her heart was most attached too--whether it was to their material security, their children, or whatever it might have been--her heart was clearly more attached to that "something else" than to God.
Job’s response to her also exposes her nature to us, as he likens her to “one of the impious and foolish women” (Job 2:10, AMP). According to the dictionary, “impious” means “lacking reverence for God” and “disrespectful.” Job is too tactful to call her impious and foolish directly, but she is clearly displaying a lack of reverence for God and a lack of respect for her husband, as she reprimands, rather than encourages, his continued devotion to the Lord in the midst of his suffering. Thus, the condition of her heart was one of greed, irreverence, and disrespect.

            Having said that, I would like to pause briefly and extend grace to Job’s wife and her response to all that had happened to them. This is not to excuse her response, but rather to acknowledge that they experienced devastating loss, not only of their great wealth, but of all their children as well. Even Job, though he never curses God for what happens to him, later cries out that he wished he had never been born (Job 3:3). I can’t even imagine the level of anguish both Job and his wife must have experienced, and then, for her to see her husband afflicted with sores from his head to his feet…Who is to say we would not also be tempted to respond in anger and despair as she did? It is only by the grace of God that we would have the strength and faith to respond differently to such horrific suffering. It is only by God’s grace that our hearts and lives become devoted to the Lord to begin with, and, as a result, that we develop the same mindset as Job: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21, NASB).

            Climbing aboard my original train of thought, it appears that the wife’s heart was not devoted to God in this way, but, rather, that it was more attached to her worldly possessions and wealth (which included her children) than to the Lord. Satan may have been aware of this already, and that may have been why, instead of taking her from Job as he took Job’s children, he let her remain with Job. Satan may have had a strong inclination that the condition of her heart, after the tragedy he was about to inflict on them, would likely cause her to encourage her husband away from the Lord in the midst of his suffering, rather than closer to Him. Satan may have even influenced her more directly, since the condition of her heart would have left her open to Satan’s manipulation.

Considering this possibility, I was reminded of another instance in Scripture where the condition of a person’s heart allowed him to be overcome by Satan, to the point of betraying our Savior to His death. Judas Iscariot’s betrayal of Jesus was fully under God’s control and was part of the prophetic journey that led our Savior to the cross, but it is also worth noting that Judas was not a man fully committed to the Lord who suddenly turned against Him. We are told in John chapter 12 that Judas was “a thief, and as he had the money box, he used to pilfer what was put into it” (v. 6). We learn this after Mary anoints Jesus’ feet with expensive perfume, perfume that, as Judas points out, could have been sold “for the poor,” though he really meant “for himself” (Matt. 26:9). After Judas is denied this potential money, his greed leads him to the chief priests, to whom he ultimately agrees to betray Jesus for the sum of thirty pieces of silver (Matt. 26:14-16). There are many thoughts surrounding why Judas betrayed Jesus to the chief priests, but two aspects of his betrayal are evident from Scripture: Judas was more devoted to money than to the Lord, and Satan was able to enter into him (John 13:27). I would not be surprised if it was, at least partly, the condition of Judas’ heart that allowed Satan to enter him.

            Returning to Job’s wife, it seems her heart was in a similar position as Judas’, and, as a result, Satan may have been using her, whether directly (by entering into her as he entered into Judas) or indirectly (by merely letting her live so she could just “be herself”), to further his attempts to shatter Job’s faith. Again, there is nothing from Scripture to indicate that either situation was the case, but we do know that out of everything Job was stripped of, Satan left his wife.

            This fact causes me to tremble because, as a wife myself, the thought that the condition of my heart could lead me to assist Satan in his attacks on my husband, humbles and frightens me. I find peace, however, in remembering the security I have in the Lord because of my faith in His redemptive work at the cross, which shields me from any such direct manipulation as Satan had over Judas Iscariot. However, I am also aware that I still struggle with my sinful nature, and that Satan can, and will, take advantage of that if I am not careful to respond to the Holy Spirit’s conviction of sin in my life.
           I do not want to allow my heart to become hardened to any part of my fleshly struggles to the point that I open a door for Satan to use my selfishness, my pride, my insecurities, my fears, my anger, my whatever to entice my husband away from the Lord rather than closer to Him. I am not saying that my husband’s spiritual walk is my responsibility, because, ultimately, my husband’s relationship with the Lord is not, and should not be, dependent on me. However, being that the Lord has made us one, I do know that what I say and do can have a very real effect on my husband’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state.

Praise be to God! though, that no matter what my flesh or Satan may entice me to do, and no matter how this may affect my husband, that there is nothing God cannot redeem! Satan may have intended Job’s wife to be a curse to him, but, ultimately, God used Job’s wife to bless Job even more abundantly than he had been blessed before, by granting him seven sons and three daughters, daughters whose beauty was unmatched throughout the land (Job 42:13-15). And Satan’s manipulation of Judas to betray Jesus to His death was perfectly orchestrated by God to redeem mankind and to defeat Satan and death forever! God truly does turn our ashes into beauty!

I want to walk in that beauty from the beginning, though. I want to be a wife that encourages my husband to remain faithful to the Lord in the midst of life’s trials and suffering, as my Savior enables me to do the same. I don’t want to be a wife who allows a love of money, of possessions, of temporary health and security…of anything other than my Savior, to draw me away from the Lord, and, in so doing, to threaten to take my husband with me. If Satan is going to attack the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon my husband, in an effort to destroy his faith, I would much rather be a blessing that helps to strengthen my husband’s faith than to be a curse in my husband’s life that poses no threat to Satan.

I Don't Want to Jinx It!

Yesterday, I had a very random thought pop into my head.

I began wondering, "Where in the world did the phrase, 'I don't want to jinx it, but...,' come from?" I had used this exact expression only the day before when talking to my husband, and, during my reverie yesterday, I was shocked to discover that a legitimate fear accompanied this phrase! A part of me was seriously afraid that if I told my husband the good thing that had been happening in my life, that I would jinx it and it would end. I almost laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of this realization (later, while relating this to my husband, I did laugh out loud), but it was also a very sobering thought.

How did a made-up word come to hold real fear for me and, I suspected, for other people as well?

I contemplated the question further, and I came to realize this phrase has become a "comical," indirect way of expressing my fear that God is going to take away the good thing, event, person, whatever, in my life. I have actually been afraid that if I share with others about the good gifts God has given me (because all good gifts are from God [James 1:17]), that I will set off a chain reaction that will result in His taking them away from me. Ridiculous, I know, but it's true.

I suspect that I am not the only person who has worried God will remove His blessings from his/her life. The very sad part is that this fear of losing what God has given to us prevents two very important things from happening:

First, it prevents us from fully enjoying the good gifts the Father has lavished on us. If there is always a small voice in the back of our minds whispering, "Be careful! Don't enjoy this too much or talk about it with others because, if you do, it won't last long!," then we will be living in a state of fearful trepidation rather than joyful acceptance of what He has blessed us with. We will be robbing God's free, gracious blessings of their blessedness.

Second, and most importantly, this fear prevents us from proclaiming the goodness of the Lord in our lives! If we hesitate to share God's blessings with others because we're afraid we might "jinx" them, we will miss valuable, precious opportunities to bring glory to our Father's Name. Instead of showing the world a heart that is enraptured by the Father's love and goodness, we will be showing them a timid heart that is fearful of the Father's hand in our lives. But "God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline" (2 Tim. 1:7, NASB). 

In order to overcome this fear, we must first discover where it comes from. I considered this for a while as well, and I believe this fear is first rooted in memories of good gifts that were taken away. God gives and He takes away, and this is something that is hard for me, and many people, to accept sometimes. Understandably, we don't want what we have desired, what we have dreamed of, what we have prayed for, to be taken away from us. When, in God's perfect wisdom, it is taken away, this cultivates in us a fear of fully embracing the new gifts He brings into our lives.

Whether this fear is a result of past loses or merely an unfounded but, nevertheless, real anxiety about losing a blessing, I believe this fear is secondly, and ultimately, rooted in a mind that is fixed too greatly on the temporal. If I am fearful of losing a gift God has given me on this earth, then I am holding on too tightly to that which was never meant to be eternal. 

The fact of the matter is, all good gifts Jesus gives me while I draw breath on this earth--apart from Himself and my salvation--will come to an end! 

Whether in the moment when I draw my last breath, or sometime before then, every blessed gift and circumstance will cease. If they end before the day my Savior takes me home, new blessings will replace them, because God delights in giving His children good gifts (Matt. 7:11). But those too will someday end. This is because, while God loves to bless His kids on this earth, He never intended for us to be too comfortable here. 

This place, after all, is not our home. It is temporary, and it is hard. It is hard because of sin, and the difficulties we face are meant (among other reasons) to fix our hearts and minds on the eternal, on the Hope we have that awaits us in heaven. 

Our losses are a part of that hardship that is meant to point us to Him.

If I let myself meditate on the fact that the earthly gifts God gives me are temporary, that they were never meant to last forever, and that I possess a far greater, eternal Gift, then I will be free to embrace to the fullest the temporary blessings God has bestowed on me, however long they may last!

I will be free to rejoice in the joy they have brought to me, an undeserving sinner, in the midst of a fallen world! 

I will be free to proclaim without constraint the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!  

And, whenever those gifts may pass away, my joy will not cease, because it will be rooted first and foremost in the most precious, eternal Gift I have, or will ever, receive!

~~~~~~~~

Lord Jesus, thank You that the greatest gifts You have ever given me--Yourself and my salvation--are ones that will never be taken away! Thank You that no matter what life may bring, these are gifts I can always cling to and rest in. Thank You also for Your abundant grace and love that You pour out on us by giving us even more blessings and gifts throughout this life! I acknowledge, Father, that they are temporary gifts, never meant to make me completely content or happy on this earth, because there is a far better, eternal Gift awaiting me with You.

However, I also acknowledge that these gifts are meant to bring me joy for the season that they are a part of my life--that they are good. Therefore, I surrender my fear of losing them to You, and I choose to freely enjoy them while they are mine and to proclaim them to the world that it may know Your love and goodness! By Your grace and strength alone, Father, I do this, and I ask that You would help me to surrender all my "jinxes" to You. Thank You, Abba. I love You!

In Your holy and precious Name I pray, Amen.     

Forgiveness Comes With A Price

Today during my quiet time with the Lord, I read Psalm 65. It is a wonderful Psalm that praises God for His abundant blessings and provision! It is full of His tender mercies not only to mankind, but to the earth itself: "The grasslands of the desert overflow; the hills are clothed with gladness" (v. 12).

Verse 3 in particular, however, stood out to me. King David wrote, "When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave our transgressions." A footnote next to the word "forgave" directed me to the bottom of the page where I was shown that the verse may also have read, "When we were overwhelmed by sins, you made atonement for our transgressions." It struck me that the word "forgave" could also have been the phrase "made atonement for." To make atonement for something means to make reparation, or payment, for something, and usually that something is a wrong that has been committed.

Jesus made atonement for our sins when He paid the penalty our sins demanded: death. He died in our place on the cross that, through faith in His sacrifice and resurrection, our sins might be forgiven and we might have eternal life with Him!

I have known since I was a little girl that Jesus died for my sins on the cross, and that when I repent of my sins and believe in His Name, He will forgive me of my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Today, however, I was struck with a deeper understanding of forgiveness than I had ever considered before. Hebrews 9:22 says, "[The] law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness."

Being God, Jesus had, and has, the authority to forgive sins, but by the law He Himself set forth centuries ago, it was necessary that blood be shed in order for our sins to be forgiven. Forgiveness came with a price: our lives. But, in His unfathomable love and mercy, God chose to pay the price forgiveness demanded Himself, and He offered His life instead. Oh, Abba...how amazing is Your love for us who are so unworthy!

Dwelling on the awesome, necessary price Jesus paid in order that our sins might be forgiven, I began to consider how this new revelation about forgiveness should be applied to my life. If the greatest act of forgiveness demanded the greatest sacrifice this world will ever know, then I must expect to pay a price as well when I choose to forgive another.

Forgiveness is far more than my saying, "I forgive you," whether directly to someone's face or indirectly in my heart. Forgiveness will also demand that I pay a price as Christ did, and that price is a denial of myself. I must deny myself any desire, when I am in the midst of my pain and hurt, to punish that person for hurting me, to hurt them back, to act as judge over them, to deny them forgiveness when it is sought, or to bring up their sin again in the future.

If Jesus chose not to condemn, not to retaliate, to offer forgiveness without hesitation to us who could never deserve it, to remove our sins as far as the east is from the west and to remember them no more...then when I choose to forgive, I too must pay the price of denying myself and must offer forgiveness as freely as He did, no matter how I might feel. I may have to forgive many times, because the hurt will not automatically disappear when I forgive and I must lay the pain at His feet, but by the strength and grace He provides, I know it is possible to pay the price forgiveness requires.

Only then will I truly be forgiving others as Christ has forgiven me.

The One Who Sustains

     Today, March 10th, 2013, I have completed my undergraduate degree! I wanted to commemorate this day by writing a post to share what God has taught me throughout the more-than-four-years it took me to finish my degree (a B.A. in English Literature).
     My journey actually began in my Junior year of high school, when I started taking classes at the local community college through my high school's Running Start program. I did Running Start exclusively during my Senior year, and, by God's grace, I graduated high school with 82 college credits. As a result, I was able to begin my university experience as a transfer student, which I was very grateful for.
     For as long as I can remember, I never had any strong aspirations about continuing on after high school to pursue a bachelor's degree. Not because I didn't know it could be very useful or because I disliked school (I didn't), but because my heart's greatest desire had always been to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I had played around with the idea of pursuing different careers, even joining the military, as all my siblings had done, but nothing ever gave me lasting peace. As a result, you can imagine that my drive and passion for going to college was lacking. I went anyway, however, because I knew the Lord would not want me to be idle and going to college seemed to be the next logical step in my life (which is why I was grateful I could start as a transfer student).
     After high school, my mom and I moved to CO, where I eventually began attending the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. I decided not to pursue a degree in English because (this may sound strange) I knew it was my strongest area, and I wanted to give myself more of a challenge. Thus, I originally began pursuing a degree in Psychology, because the idea of being a counselor had always interested me. However, I discovered early on that a Psychology degree was not right for me, so I decided to change my major to English Literature after all.
     This is the first lesson God taught me: Whatever skill I have with reading, writing, and working with the English language in general comes from the Lord and, as a result, there must be a reason why He has given me these specific abilities. I was unsure what that reason might be, but I decided back then to embrace the skills He has given me and to trust that He will direct me to use them for His glory. I still do not know exactly what I will/may use my degree for, but God gave me peace shortly after my husband, Brian, and I began dating in 2010, that He wanted me to finish my degree once Brian and I were married (I had taken a break from college at that point because of a personal situation). Brian and I got married May 7th, 2011, I transferred to Grand Canyon University to finish my degree online, and today that goal has been realized!
     This is the second lesson God taught me: Nothing is impossible with the Lord. Despite whatever obstacles, whether real or imagined, I or others saw placed on the path to my degree, the Lord was faithful to see me through and to sustain me to the end (and to this new beginning). He taught me that no matter how uncertain the future may seem, He is in complete control and He will be my Sustainer and Provider through it all--and He was. He sustained me through trials both in and outside of school, and He taught me that as long as I am faithful to seek His will above all else, He will be faithful to reveal it in His time.
     The third lesson God taught me is not to view undesirable situations as undesirable, but rather as opportunities to share His love and grace with others. Several times throughout my classes at GCU, we would have group papers or projects. I am not a fan of group papers/projects to begin with, because it is naturally easier (and usually safer) to only have to worry about your own work. However, group work can be even more frustrating in an online setting, largely because of the lack of face-to-face communication. Looking back, I know I had no reason to worry and be frustrated like I was, because every group I was in worked hard and God brought everything together in the end. Most humbling of all, however, was how God used the groups to bring certain women into my life, whom God used me to encourage, assist, and comfort during trials they were going through at the time.
     In one such case, I had no idea that my short message of sympathy and encouragement to a woman who was facing the one year anniversary of her father's death would end up blessing her as much as it did. That one message turned into many more, and she told me that she truly believed God had placed us in the same group at that time so I could offer her the comfort she needed. I was blessed to know that the Lord had used me to encourage her so greatly, especially because I didn't do anything more than email her and respond to her emails--but it was what she needed, and God knew. Most of all, I was humbled. I knew that, if it had been up to me, I never would have chosen to do a group paper...but God had other plans, and He turned a situation that I would have avoided into an opportunity to love a hurting heart. This was one of the greatest lessons I learned during my college career, and I pray it is one I will not soon forget.
     Fourthly, God taught me to never stop praying to Him for wisdom and direction. Because God gave me victory paper after paper, it could have been easy for me to stop asking Him for help, to assume that the wisdom would come. Or, even worse, it could have been easy for me to start relying on my own skill instead of relying on God, from whom any ability I have has come.
     God revealed to me during my college career a seed of pride in my heart regarding my writing that could have grown into a tree of arrogance, were it not for His abundant grace that brought me to tears of repentance, and a renewed understanding that all I am is from and in and by and for Christ. He taught me that no matter how much knowledge I have attained, there is always more for me to learn, but I must be willing and humble enough to receive it.
     So, paper after paper, I renewed my prayers and petitions for wisdom and guidance, because every new challenge was, and is, a new opportunity for me either to choose to rely upon myself or to rely upon the Lord, and to choose to believe that He will grant me wisdom if I have faith and not doubt (James 1:5-6). By His grace, He taught me only to rely upon Him, and I pray I always will.   
     I have no doubt there are many more lessons I could share of what I learned over the past almost-eight years of my college career, but I think these are enough to demonstrate the power, faithfulness, love, and mercy of the One who sustained me through it all. He sustained me through far more than just my undergraduate degree--He sustained me through many other trials and challenges life threw my way, and I would not be where I am today, or who I am today, without Him. Jesus used my amazing husband and other dear friends and family to be His hands and words and heart to me during that time as well, and I am forever grateful for the gift of their love, faith, and guidance.
    
     Lord, whatever the future may hold, may I remember not to be afraid to use the abilities You have given me, and to always remember from Whom they come. Please help me to remember not to shirk undesirable circumstances but to seize them as opportunities to reach out and touch others' lives and hearts for Your glory. Keep me humble. May I never stop asking You for wisdom and guidance in my life. May I believe and not doubt that You will grant me the wisdom I seek. May I always remember what You have sustained me through, so when new challenges and trials arise, I will not fear but trust in You. Most of all, dear Savior, may I remember that nothing is impossible for You, no matter the mountains that surround me, that are only hills in the mist. Thank You, thank You, thank You for sustaining me through this chapter in my life! Thank You for what You have in store for me today and in the future. Thank You for enabling me to complete my degree. Above all else, thank You, Jesus, for making me complete in You. To You alone be the glory and honor and power and praise!
     In Your holy and precious Name I pray,
          Amen

Remembering His Promises.

My dear friend, Cameo, and I are reading through Genesis together. A couple days ago, I read the first half of Genesis 33, which recounts the time when Jacob is returning to his homeland with his wives, children, servants, and livestock. But he is returning to more than just his homeland--he is returning to his twin brother, Esau. Many, many years before, when Jacob still lived with his parents, Isaac and Rebekah, and his brother, Jacob disguised himself as his brother and deceived his father into giving him Esau's blessing. As the firstborn, Esau was meant to receive his father's blessing, but Jacob received it instead, fulfilling what God had told Rebekah when she was pregnant with her sons: "Two nations are in your womb ... one people will be stronger than the other, and the older will serve the younger" (Gen. 25:23). Understandably, Esau was very angry with Jacob for what he had done and swore that once their father was dead he would kill Jacob. Rebekah told Jacob to flee from her brother's wrath to his uncle, Laban, until Esau's anger subsided, and then he could safely return to them.

Flash forward many years and Jacob is now finally returning to his homeland. He does not know if Esau is still plotting to kill him, so he sends a messenger ahead of him to tell Esau that he is coming, that he might "find favor in [his] eyes" (Gen. 32:5). When the messenger returns, he tells Jacob, "We went to your brother Esau, and now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him" (v. 6). Immediately, Jacob is filled with fear and dread that his brother is coming with an army to annihilate him and his family out of vengeance for what Jacob did to him so many years before.

That night, Jacob prays, "O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who said to me, 'Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,' I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness You have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed the Jordan, but now I have become two groups. Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. But You have said, 'I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendents like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted'" (v. 9-12).

As I read this prayer, I was greatly moved by the manner in which Jacob prayed to God. Within his prayer, Jacob acknowledges his unworthiness to receive the amazing blessings God has poured out on him, and he praises God for His faithfulness and love toward him. What struck me most, however, was how Jacob repeated in his prayer promises that God had made to him, to prosper him and his descendents. Jacob may have been praying this as a way of saying, "God, remember the promises You made to me and protect me from Esau's wrath. Do not forget Your promises!" God, of course, never forgets anything ;), but there are times in our lives when it feels as if He has, and in those moments, it is very hard not to cry out to the Lord to show us evidence of His promises in our lives, that He will be faithful to fulfill them.

I think this was partly what Jacob was doing when he prayed this prayer. Because he recognized the faithfulness of God within his prayer, I think he had faith that God was him, but I also think that, in his fear, he needed God to remind him that He remembered His promises to Jacob, and that is partly why he "reminded" God of His promises as he prayed.

However, I also think Jacob chose to incorporate God's promises within his prayer because he needed to remember them. Overwhelmed with fear and worry at the uncertainty of his situation, Jacob probably could not see how his impending encounter with Esau could possibly end well. However, rather than allow his fears to fill his head with a myriad of doubts about the future (none of which he could know for certain would come to pass), Jacob chose to cling to what he knew and believed was certain: the promises of God. God's past faithfulness in his life had taught Jacob to run to those promises in times of uncertainty, and to cling to the encouragement and assurance of God's protection and love that they gave. If God said he was to become a great nation, then, by golly, somehow God would deliver him from Esau, and that is what Jacob chose to believe. As it turns out, Jacob's faith in God's promises was justified:

"Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two maidservants. He put the maidservants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear. He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother. But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept" (Gen. 33:1-4). :)

I am encouraged by Jacob's prayer and faith, and especially by God's unceasing faithfulness, to respond as Jacob did when fears and uncertainties about the future creep into my heart and mind. I pray that all of us would choose in those moments to remember the awesome promises of God He has given to us throughout His Word, to strengthen us when we are weak, to encourage us when we are discouraged, to calm us when we are afraid, and to give us peace to rest in Him when the circumstances around us are uncertain.

Recently, Brian and I were in San Antonio for a soccer tournament that his soccer team was in. We had a wonderful time and got to visit with some dear friends and family! On the way home, I was giving Brian a break from driving and I was behind the wheel. We were nearing Amarillo, where we were going to spend the night, and huge, dark, rainclouds loomed over the horizon before us. On a previous trip through Texas, we had driven through a rainstorm that caused our visibility to be less than zero, and this was during the daytime. This time, it was almost 9pm and getting darker by the minute. We had not yet reached the rain, but as I peered at the massive clouds before us, the sheets of rain in the distance, and the lightning dancing across the sky, I could not help but be filled with a lingering sense of fear and dread. But then, I remembered Jacob and his prayer...

I remembered the many times before when God has protected me, and Brian, through dangerous weather, and I remembered God's promises to never leave me or forsake me, that He is my refuge and my strength, and that He will work everything for the good of those who love Him. I wish I could say that my fear ceased completely at that moment and that I drove into the rain with a huge smile on my face...but I didn't. What I can say is that as I remembered His faithfulness, His promises, and prayed to Him for protection, my fears were not as great as they had been and a feeling of peace settled over me. When we reached the rain, it was completely dark, but the rain only lasted a few minutes and, though it was strong, it was not as bad as we had experienced before. God protected us, just as He has always done before, and we made it safely to our hotel...and, I hope, my faith grew a little more. I praised and thanked God for protecting us and for helping me to remember the lesson He had taught me and for helping me to apply it in that uncertain situation.

Once again, my faith in God's faithfulness, in His promises, was justified, just as Jacob's was. It is my prayer that the next time I am faced with feelings of fear and anxious thoughts of the future, when I am surrounded by uncertain circumstances, that I will remember His past faithfulness, will remember the certainty of God's promises, and will allow them to replace my fear and doubt with peace and faith to rest in Him. I pray this for you as well!

Lord God, thank You for Your unfailing love and faithfulness toward those who seek Your face and rest in the enduring promises that You have given to us. I pray that You would help me, and all of us, to look to You when we are overcome by fear and worry and that You will help us to remember Your promises. Thank You for the greatest promise of eternal life that You have given to us through Your Son, Jesus Christ! May our greatest source of strength, peace, comfort, and hope be always found in Him. I love You. In Your holy Name I pray, Amen.